A Penance

My photo
To be her is my destiny. She is pure and so she is free. SHE is: A blessing to her parents, a darling to her friends, a treat to her children... She exists in many forms for everyone. My journey will end when I become her.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Set if free they said

A long time ago they told a very young child

"Set it free"
"If it belongs to you it will come back"

The child longed for something
And the child took a chance and let it go

But they never told the child

"Wait for it"
"When it comes back to you, you need to be there"

It came back, the child was not there, and so it left

The child didn't know
And carries the pain
And the vacuum.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Decades of penance: for one precious moment

Married when they were teenagers
They have never been apart
Except when he went to work
They found joy in being with each other
Loving each other and growing in that love

The heavens watched their life
For many a long year they lived in harmony
Living, working, traveling, singing, and never forgetting to love

And when it was time for him to leave
She was ready to say goodbye
They knew it

But there was one more day. A very precious day

And this day will never come again
They started their day
They shared a few prayers
They shared a meal
They hugged their family
they stayed close to each other
And then they went to bed

She rose
He didn't
She called out to him
His eyes fluttered
She sat next to him
They held hands
Silent tears rolled down her face
He was ready for the journey
She was prepared

She thanked him for letting her be a part of the finale
She was grateful that he shared it with her
She guarded the space around him
She treasured his last precious breath
She swallowed the air around them
She cherished the silent moments of transition
she was strong and she was calm

In perfect harmony the soul mates bid adieu

She misses him
And she waits
Her journey will begin.

(Recently two of my loved ones lost their spouses. And they let them go with grace, lots of love and spirits)

Friday, February 19, 2010

Life is a parabola and I am at is peak

Let me assume I at the peak of life
Not anything else, but just in terms of age

And if from this point there is a decline, I would rather it not be steep
But a beautiful curve
And I want to plan for it from nowon.

I may leave this body now, or in 10 years or in 44 years
So I want to make a deal

I have given up 3 things for a few months: Refined sugar, Cow / Buffalo milk and white rice
But if I make this permanent and
Every year from now onwards if I give up one other thing that I absolutely enjoy eating

Then when it is time to leave, I will be perfectly ready
In harmony.
There will be very little difference to what is left behind and what goes on
Just like my Babuli Patti

Friday, February 12, 2010

An Oprah, the Nun and the Brahmin

As I watched the young, innocent, beautiful faces of the Catholic nuns proudly state that they are blessed to be wearing their wedding dress since they are married to Jesus and being the bride of Jesus gives them the utmost pride

...... Oprah. her guests, millions of viewers and I had tears in our eyes

The nuns showed such love and such determination...

I am sure we each thought of the endless wars that we wage in our daily lives to be happy and seeing these young girls who happily state that they are in bliss, and they have let go of everything in their lives because they are fulfilled and need nothing else in life!
We strive to want it all. And they with nothing, seem to have it all

For Oprah
For my friends
For me..
We are in search of something else

And for me and the other million Brahmins of the world --
Many generations ago, we started where the nuns are today
For centuries we were born and raised to chant the name of God
For ages we practiced the art of giving up and owning nothing
Our ancestors lived a life of minimalists, spiritual leaders and masters of the mind
Today we their children hoard wealth, seek satisfaction in immersing in worldly pleasures

A few tears is all I had for the nuns

Saturday, February 6, 2010

A tryst with my health


I have now realized that to do anything especially to change something that is existing I need a lot of energy, motivation, love, fun, attention, buzz around it!!!!!

I am overweight.
Am not so healthy.
My eating habits suck.

OH boy the worst of it, I know what I have to do, and I don't do it day after day
I attempt once and retrofit my action by eating double junk
But the beauty is I never give up.
I try new things, new tactics every day.
And I become my own enemy and I also create counter productive actions

I have understood myself and this aging process
No workarounds are going to help me -- face it head on

Today is my third day with my new health plan and I have stuck to it
And I need to write, so that I can keep writing until I complete this journey

I have very simple rules
-No dairy products of any sort (for a curd rice fanatic this is the worst nightmare)
-No refined sugar (coffee and tea taste so bad with soy milk and jaggery)
-No white rice (what will i eat??)

20th feb

The first week of eating healthy was easy, since it was new and the mind felt very powerful
The second week was when the battle began
Mind vs Body
Cravings vs Control

The mind did not give into cravings
But the mind wanted to be diverted
So there was over indulgence in "what could be eaten"

Today there is energy
Mind will learn, and practice
And it will prevail
:-)

And it did a little (A pat on my back!)

After two weeks of hunkering down to the Blizzard of 2010 I ventured to COSTCO today
Boy, everyone was restocking! or were we practicing the same frantic shopping that we did
the Thursday before the Snowmaggedon kicked in?
Because I am staying away from Sugar and Dairy, shopping in COSTCO was quite easy
What was not so easy was to say 'Nah' over and over again to the samples!
Be it yogurt, tacos, dips, granolas etc etc
I sampled French baguette with Olive oil!!!

Next stop.. The Indian GROCERY STORE---
Not a good move
It is lunch time
I have an angry growling stomach trying to make me
feel guilty for all the samples I just left behind in COSTCO
and an Indian store is the last place I should be stepping into

But I made it out without much damage

8th feb

Day has begun well -- nothing like the gift of working from home :)
A tasteful delight of soy coffee, banana and two slices of fruit bread
(I finally read the ingredients and this contains traces of sugar - so this is also out!)

7th feb

Two cups of soy chai and a banana to kickin the shoveling mood
Soy coffee with honey after shoveling with some veggie s.wiches
(hummus, cucumbers, tomatoes, avacado, garam masalalala) and grapes
Back to snow shoveling for neighbors and then test the neighborhood roads
Dinner is sandwich with grilled veggies
Superbowl special: Two slices of fruit bread

So good so far, thanks a ton to the Gods in my heart

=========================================================================


6th feb 2010:

Today is Siraj's 40th birthday! Yay! It is noon and we are just out of bed. The foot of snow in our backyard is a reality.
I am balanced.
I can make coffee for Siraj,
Hot chocolate for Amaani and a cup of soy chai and Peanut Butter sandwich for myself.
I am loving the feeling that I do care for myself and my health

Lunch: I made a meal with the following:
A layer of cucumber / tomato and carrot slices
followed by three scoops of cooked wheat
another layer of cooked onions, green bell peppers, beets
topped with flax and methi sprouts
and garnished lightly with milagu kuzhambhu!!!!!

Dinner: Cooked wheat with onions, green bell peppers, beets and a banana

Craving for sugar :)

========================================================================

5th feb 2010:

What I had:

I woke up with a severe headache - it could be because I dozed off watching a movie on TV or my body is reacting to the coffee and tea deprivation I am putting it through.

I was surfing the TV and heard someone say "Creating a calendar has a moral value" , I think that is true in a lot of sense
Maybe I am not ready to make a calendar of what I will be eating in the future, but now a log will do

Snowed in! So there was no specific meal time, but this is what I ate the whole day.

2 cups of masala soy chai with honey - getting used to the taste
2 bananas
A cup of dry apple caramel pecan crunch
Whole wheat sandwich with hummus
A cup of cooked vegetable seasoned with South Indian spices (onions, cabbage, and cooked lentils)
Boy this veggie filled me up so much, I couldn't get to the cracked wheat that I had cooked - so that is for tomorrow
For some reason there is so much gas piling up, so I also had 1/2 a can of ginger ale!

I think I drank less water today....

I made a meal of potatoes, cabbage, rasam with basmati rice for amaani. And my girls always like me mixing the rice for them. I love doing it, and have made them very lazy. As I was mixing the dish in a bowl, I hurriedly put a spoonful of ghee in my mouth and discarded it though. It hurt me so much that I was not willing to help myself to a better health. I had tears in my eyes. But I thought of the love in my heart and the cause for why I am doing this and it was very easy.

=============================================================================

4th feb 2010:

What I had:

am: Green tea and peanut butter whole wheat sandwich
noon: A bowl of sprouts made from methi and moth seeds / and 1 pkt of instant oats / 1 avocado
evening: 1/2 pkt of chips (shared with a colleague) / 1 pkt of instant oats / decaff black tea
dinner: Fruit bread with hummus (weird he!)

Water, water - goes without saying. By the way as soon as I came from work, I rushed to the kitchen and made a sandwich made of marmalade and took a bite and then realized marmalade is made with refined sugar. It was easy for me to discard the dish.
I also watched Julie & Julia and in someway I connected to Julie - I have blogged when I was training for my marathon, but thought it is good to write my day to day progress, it would be interesting to know how I fought to keep temptation at bay