Between Him and Her

He: What are those bags in the trunk of your car?
She: stuff that I want to return...
He: We were just at that same store, did you forget then?
She: I will do so in about a month or so..
He: Why?
She: Anyway we get bored with new stuff in 2 months or so, until then let me keep it!

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Wife: I am so restless.
Husband: What do you want to do?
Wife: I want to make you get out of the couch!!!!!

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Husband: We should all spend more family time together and do stuff you see...
Wife: Sure.
She cooks a meal and the plan was he would wash the dishes. So everyone sits down for dinner and husband grabs a paper plate...
Wife: Why?
Husband: So that I dont need to do the dishes. I can just drop this in the trash.

NEXT DAY:

Wife cooks meal.
Everyone sits to eat.
Husband grabs a paper plate.
Wife serves him a frozen meal.

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Stories from a sleepy mom: A sweet interaction

Stories from a sleepy mom: A sweet interaction

A sweet interaction

I was about ten days into my new food habit
Am in the checkout line
Piling my items on the checkout counter
A young handsome man joins the line
and in his hand were about 36 donuts.

My mouth went dry.
My eyes were greedy
I smacked my lips
I was at loss for words...

I wanted the donuts out of my sight as quick as possible
I started a conversation
"Oh No! How did they trust you with all these donuts?"
"Please go ahead and check out, you have just one item"

He was unaware of my burning craving for those donuts.
I couldn't even focus on anything.

He shrugged his shoulders.
"They can wait", he said.

I smiled.
Please go away my heart cried.

I continued, "You know I have been keeping away from sugar for a couple
of weeks. And now this box of donuts is just so tempting!"
"Can you please go ahead?" I pleaded.

With an exaggerated drawl, he asked me, "Can I show you something?"
I said. "Sure, what is it?"

He lifted his T-Shirt and showed me something.
I didn't recognize it.
He said, "This is an insulin monitor"
"I am a diabetic. I have been since I have been eight or something"
"That is why they trust me with donuts"
"You see I can't eat them".
"I don't even remember how they taste like."

Now, I looked at his eyes.
I told myself, If he had been a brother or a friend
I would've given up sugar at least for a few days to show my love

He continued, "Some people say it is a disability"
"But I don't think so"
"Being diabetic is not a disability"

Then both of us said at the same time
"There are times when the disability is here"
And pointed to our heads.
We meant that normal looking people also carry a disability.
And we laughed out aloud.

It was my turn to checkout.
He was smiling at me, I smiled back.
He probably knew that I felt something.

As I walked out, I told myself..
As a young boy,
he learnt to live without sugar.
He had learnt self control... because the effects on him
were immediate
I have indulged in sugar all my life, pretending that sugar
will have no impacts on me

I have memories of the taste
I can recall it whenever I want...
Can he?
I can NOW learn to live in the memory of the taste

India said to the world: "Deal with it"

Yes.

We gave you Kamasutra,
and
Sugar.

Thus an opportunity to experiment,
and
Explore taste and greed.

That was our Karma.

As a penance to our actions-

We also gave you Yoga,
And
The Gayathri Mantra.

Now Go.

Explore your Innerself.
Taste the joy of realization.
Find Peace.
Amen.

Indian Woman and her Bachelor Gods

Hanuman.
Ganesha.
Bala Krishnan.
Shiva in deep meditation.

What drives her to them?

To this mountain that balances her;
To this tender tusker who hugs her;
To this toothless grin who tugs her;
To this stone that calms her;

Perhaps ---

A craving to have a pious relationship with men?
A need to be understood and be untouched?
A desire to be vulnerable but not taken advantage of?
Wanting a shoulder to rest, to drain her tears, walk away light hearted?

The slimy slinky gate keeper to a best kept secret

On a restful sunday afternoon nothing can beat the warm feeling of munching on fresh snacks and sweets as your mom or granny try new recipes for sweets and store them in air tight containers, but generously distribute the broken scarps to the mob of kids hanging outside the kitchen door - who will then willingly grab the vessels and pan and continue polishing and licking the last bits that stick to the pan...

And that made a moment for my grandma to share her wisdom "The palace gates and the kitchen doors never leave you empty handed!"

Two and a half decades later I am struggling to control another greedy gate keeper
It wisps
Wags
Its slimy
Slick
and uncontrollable!

Its not one, but a collective mob
Tiny as they are
Unique are their qualities
Rare is their gift
They capture everything
And memorize
And recall at whim

My lustful taste buds

The devils they are...
They destroy my will for good health
And crumble my resolutions for sanity

My lifes destiny seems to be in their hands
They seem to control my thoughts
They rule my very self
Until I disappear in my own greed
Until the goddess is burned

But I have felt
and I have tasted
The pure joy of selflessness
The sheer sanctity of self control
The imminent possibility of setting free

And so now the gate keeper is under my control

High FIVES: To the five elements of taste

After a frenzy day of shopping right before the Blizzard of 2010, as I stowed away the groceries in the fridge, it struck me that I had subconsciously planned my activity for the next 5 days and shopped accordingly

I kinda tied my hands
Naaw! bound my tongue
I had kidnapped it

We were going to be snowed in
There was just a minimum snacks, enough for the young daughter who will be at home.
I had bought cucumbers, bell peppers and an assortment of veggies
Piled on raw peanuts to the list.
In went some soymilk.
No snacks for my better half. He got a dozen eggs, bread and cheese.

The previous week I had (over)indulged in Ledo's Veggie Pizza at work
and the following day, an Indian buffet for lunch

Not only did I feel guilty (which happens after every indulgence)
but something else was happening within me
And I let that 'something' to 'happen'

And something new happened too
I listened to myself
I allowed myself the liberty to listen to the guilt, the sadness, the pain
I allowed myself to feel joy, happiness, peace and innocence

From now onwards I can live in the memory of the taste
Until the memory is no longer required
From now onwards I can live to make-up to the guilt I feel
Until I learn to forgive myself

And then the tears.... they never came
Thats when I knew

I was suffocating myself and was caught up
Then,
I started to draw energy from everything around me
from Friends who were in the same battle
from Family who lovingly supported
from Strangers who politely smiled
from Stories that begged to be read

All I did was to give up three things. Just three
It shut a thousand doors
It opened a new world of taste

I am me, just different
I am making small changes but taking giant strides

Set if free they said

A long time ago they told a very young child

"Set it free"
"If it belongs to you it will come back"

The child longed for something
And the child took a chance and let it go

But they never told the child

"Wait for it"
"When it comes back to you, you need to be there"

It came back, the child was not there, and so it left

The child didn't know
And carries the pain
And the vacuum.

Decades of penance: for one precious moment

Married when they were teenagers
They have never been apart
Except when he went to work
They found joy in being with each other
Loving each other and growing in that love

The heavens watched their life
For many a long year they lived in harmony
Living, working, traveling, singing, and never forgetting to love

And when it was time for him to leave
She was ready to say goodbye
They knew it

But there was one more day. A very precious day

And this day will never come again
They started their day
They shared a few prayers
They shared a meal
They hugged their family
they stayed close to each other
And then they went to bed

She rose
He didn't
She called out to him
His eyes fluttered
She sat next to him
They held hands
Silent tears rolled down her face
He was ready for the journey
She was prepared

She thanked him for letting her be a part of the finale
She was grateful that he shared it with her
She guarded the space around him
She treasured his last precious breath
She swallowed the air around them
She cherished the silent moments of transition
she was strong and she was calm

In perfect harmony the soul mates bid adieu

She misses him
And she waits
Her journey will begin.

(Recently two of my loved ones lost their spouses. And they let them go with grace, lots of love and spirits)

Life is a parabola and I am at is peak

Let me assume I at the peak of life
Not anything else, but just in terms of age

And if from this point there is a decline, I would rather it not be steep
But a beautiful curve
And I want to plan for it from nowon.

I may leave this body now, or in 10 years or in 44 years
So I want to make a deal

I have given up 3 things for a few months: Refined sugar, Cow / Buffalo milk and white rice
But if I make this permanent and
Every year from now onwards if I give up one other thing that I absolutely enjoy eating

Then when it is time to leave, I will be perfectly ready
In harmony.
There will be very little difference to what is left behind and what goes on
Just like my Babuli Patti

An Oprah, the Nun and the Brahmin

As I watched the young, innocent, beautiful faces of the Catholic nuns proudly state that they are blessed to be wearing their wedding dress since they are married to Jesus and being the bride of Jesus gives them the utmost pride

...... Oprah. her guests, millions of viewers and I had tears in our eyes

The nuns showed such love and such determination...

I am sure we each thought of the endless wars that we wage in our daily lives to be happy and seeing these young girls who happily state that they are in bliss, and they have let go of everything in their lives because they are fulfilled and need nothing else in life!
We strive to want it all. And they with nothing, seem to have it all

For Oprah
For my friends
For me..
We are in search of something else

And for me and the other million Brahmins of the world --
Many generations ago, we started where the nuns are today
For centuries we were born and raised to chant the name of God
For ages we practiced the art of giving up and owning nothing
Our ancestors lived a life of minimalists, spiritual leaders and masters of the mind
Today we their children hoard wealth, seek satisfaction in immersing in worldly pleasures

A few tears is all I had for the nuns

A tryst with my health

I have now realized that to do anything especially to change something that is existing I need a lot of energy, motivation, love, fun, attention, buzz around it!!!!!

I am overweight.
Am not so healthy.
My eating habits suck.

OH boy the worst of it, I know what I have to do, and I don't do it day after day
I attempt once and retrofit my action by eating double junk
But the beauty is I never give up.
I try new things, new tactics every day.
And I become my own enemy and I also create counter productive actions

I have understood myself and this aging process
No workarounds are going to help me -- face it head on

Today is my third day with my new health plan and I have stuck to it
And I need to write, so that I can keep writing until I complete this journey

I have very simple rules
-No dairy products of any sort (for a curd rice fanatic this is the worst nightmare)
-No refined sugar (coffee and tea taste so bad with soy milk and jaggery)
-No white rice (what will i eat??)

20th feb

The first week of eating healthy was easy, since it was new and the mind felt very powerful
The second week was when the battle began
Mind vs Body
Cravings vs Control

The mind did not give into cravings
But the mind wanted to be diverted
So there was over indulgence in "what could be eaten"

Today there is energy
Mind will learn, and practice
And it will prevail
:-)

And it did a little (A pat on my back!)

After two weeks of hunkering down to the Blizzard of 2010 I ventured to COSTCO today
Boy, everyone was restocking! or were we practicing the same frantic shopping that we did
the Thursday before the Snowmaggedon kicked in?
Because I am staying away from Sugar and Dairy, shopping in COSTCO was quite easy
What was not so easy was to say 'Nah' over and over again to the samples!
Be it yogurt, tacos, dips, granolas etc etc
I sampled French baguette with Olive oil!!!

Next stop.. The Indian GROCERY STORE---
Not a good move
It is lunch time
I have an angry growling stomach trying to make me
feel guilty for all the samples I just left behind in COSTCO
and an Indian store is the last place I should be stepping into

But I made it out without much damage

8th feb

Day has begun well -- nothing like the gift of working from home :)
A tasteful delight of soy coffee, banana and two slices of fruit bread
(I finally read the ingredients and this contains traces of sugar - so this is also out!)

7th feb

Two cups of soy chai and a banana to kickin the shoveling mood
Soy coffee with honey after shoveling with some veggie s.wiches
(hummus, cucumbers, tomatoes, avacado, garam masalalala) and grapes
Back to snow shoveling for neighbors and then test the neighborhood roads
Dinner is sandwich with grilled veggies
Superbowl special: Two slices of fruit bread

So good so far, thanks a ton to the Gods in my heart

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6th feb 2010:

Today is Siraj's 40th birthday! Yay! It is noon and we are just out of bed. The foot of snow in our backyard is a reality.
I am balanced.
I can make coffee for Siraj,
Hot chocolate for Amaani and a cup of soy chai and Peanut Butter sandwich for myself.
I am loving the feeling that I do care for myself and my health

Lunch: I made a meal with the following:
A layer of cucumber / tomato and carrot slices
followed by three scoops of cooked wheat
another layer of cooked onions, green bell peppers, beets
topped with flax and methi sprouts
and garnished lightly with milagu kuzhambhu!!!!!

Dinner: Cooked wheat with onions, green bell peppers, beets and a banana

Craving for sugar :)

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5th feb 2010:

What I had:

I woke up with a severe headache - it could be because I dozed off watching a movie on TV or my body is reacting to the coffee and tea deprivation I am putting it through.

I was surfing the TV and heard someone say "Creating a calendar has a moral value" , I think that is true in a lot of sense
Maybe I am not ready to make a calendar of what I will be eating in the future, but now a log will do

Snowed in! So there was no specific meal time, but this is what I ate the whole day.

2 cups of masala soy chai with honey - getting used to the taste
2 bananas
A cup of dry apple caramel pecan crunch
Whole wheat sandwich with hummus
A cup of cooked vegetable seasoned with South Indian spices (onions, cabbage, and cooked lentils)
Boy this veggie filled me up so much, I couldn't get to the cracked wheat that I had cooked - so that is for tomorrow
For some reason there is so much gas piling up, so I also had 1/2 a can of ginger ale!

I think I drank less water today....

I made a meal of potatoes, cabbage, rasam with basmati rice for amaani. And my girls always like me mixing the rice for them. I love doing it, and have made them very lazy. As I was mixing the dish in a bowl, I hurriedly put a spoonful of ghee in my mouth and discarded it though. It hurt me so much that I was not willing to help myself to a better health. I had tears in my eyes. But I thought of the love in my heart and the cause for why I am doing this and it was very easy.

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4th feb 2010:

What I had:

am: Green tea and peanut butter whole wheat sandwich
noon: A bowl of sprouts made from methi and moth seeds / and 1 pkt of instant oats / 1 avocado
evening: 1/2 pkt of chips (shared with a colleague) / 1 pkt of instant oats / decaff black tea
dinner: Fruit bread with hummus (weird he!)

Water, water - goes without saying. By the way as soon as I came from work, I rushed to the kitchen and made a sandwich made of marmalade and took a bite and then realized marmalade is made with refined sugar. It was easy for me to discard the dish.
I also watched Julie & Julia and in someway I connected to Julie - I have blogged when I was training for my marathon, but thought it is good to write my day to day progress, it would be interesting to know how I fought to keep temptation at bay

Not because you left

I cry
Not because you leave
to spread your wings wide
and fly away
as I watch you become a speck in the sky

I cry
Not because you left this nest
in search of your dreams

The tears speak of guilt
of a gaping hole that returns no memories
of a lonliness
of a wish long forgotten